It is a strange intersection between being pissed, and not wanting to fulfill the stereotype that you are mad because you are a black woman. I get it. My life has been a series of scenes where I intentionally silence myself to not let the ignorance of someone else in my life be satisfied. My experiences include ones where the pain I experienced was invisible to those around me, including the people I needed support from the most.
To tell you the truth I am mad.
Im fucking pissed.
They say that systematically racism is handed down throughout generations. That the centuries of America’s history include examples that blacks have been pushed down, behind the ball and unable to catch up in a way that is authentic in themselves. It is taught that in order to achieve actual success we must assimilate with those who hold the power. To be raped and deprived of our autonomy- to make ourselves less seen. To willingly comply to our whitewashing. This is often discussed regarding race and class, but the systematic oppression has much larger impacts including our sense of self and safety, spirituality, community, family and mental health.
I am no different. I am light skinned, educated and raised by whites. I had better access- but that was not without pain. I have spent my life fearful of rejection, fearful of being other’d, and defending myself against others assumptions of me. I have spent decades walking a fine line of silencing who I am or standing up for myself risking others interpretations and judgements. Im tired of being silenced- even if I do view it as a form of self preservation by not fulfilling others stereotype.
I have been told that the mouth on me is too much, too reactive and too cutting. As if I have not learned that it is one of the only weapons I have when feeling suffocated by forced conformity and compliance. I have been told that my mouth is surprising because I use big words and have a brain and can use it. I have been complimented for having a life beyond being a young mother and instead focusing on pursuing an education. I have been sexualized for the color of my skin and been objectified because I am sexual. For the many men I have dated have made it clear that I am a vacation and not a destination.
I am angry. & Im tired of silencing my anger to appease those who don’t want to experience the pain of my emotions or of my anger. Im sick of catering to those who don’t feel they should listen.
ashpapzs 