Month: May 2018

Do you ever meet someone who completely shakes you to your core. Someone that all of a sudden makes you question how you have made it in life thus-far without them. A person that makes your blurred vision of your life all of a sudden come into focus.

Have you ever met someone who encouraged you to do better and be better just by them being around? Someone that without any words inspires you to live fully.

 

Has that person also ever walked out of your life. taking with them your heart and soul. Are you constantly plagued by their absence, and obsessed with their rejection. Are you praying daily to a god your not even sure you believe in for their return- only to instead be faced with their silence, drowned out by the voices of your own insecurities playing tapes of inevitable rejection and isolation.

Have you tried to move on, filling your loneliness with the figures of people who painfully remind you of what you are missing. Voices reminding you that ‘They aren’t him’ playing over and over in your head.

How can one be so shaken to the core by another- without reciprocity? How do you meet someone that you instantly see forever with- and their lenses aren’t the same. How do

you move on from someone you don’t want to move on from? How do you persist when you just wanna stay in the moment, or go back in time to feel like that again. How do you stop throwing a fit for them not staying, for you not getting what you want?

Asking for a friend by the way

 

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Sitting in my underwear on my back porch on a Saturday morning thinking about how to manifest my destiny. Im 31 in two weeks. Maybe its the weed talking, or the espresso, or this book on being Single and Happy but i’m stumped. How to I manifest my biggest values into my future. How to I really stop living to live, and trade that in for living with a purpose, and intention.

I am not saying i’m  not halfway there already. I have a rewarding job where I effect change through education and counseling. I often remind myself that I am part of someones solution, instead of their problem. I maintain authentic and supportive friendships, and have learned in various kinds of relationships to leave the table when love is no longer being served. I am self sufficient (for the most part) and I am working on my personal shortcomings to improve myself as a human. I have goals- and fears. I drink too much, I get lonely.

What is it that I really want to do? I want to effect change. I want to know that I contributed to the world in a way that made it better. I don’t necessarily think I need to be learned about in history class. But I want to leave my mark on people. I used to want to be a writer. Again, it could be the vast amount of time I wasted away my youth watching Sex and the City, wanting to be the black Carrie Bradshaw (I envisioned myself looking eerily similar to Scary Spice) but that whitewashed unrealistic fashion fiesta was my dream. But I never worked towards manifesting it. I just assumed it would happen like when Alice fell into the well. Now I will attempt to live with intention. I want to write and express myself and utilize my values to engage in life. It starts with this, just doing it even though it feels uncomfortable.

 

The magic is outside my comfort zone too.